Yes! I Am Completely Crazy – But its OK ‘Cause I Know I Am
How are you?
I have felt so very tired this week. I just want to stay in bed or on the couch all rugged up.
I’ve been eating Thai, Indian or Italian with chocolate for dessert.
White has been replaced by Black….pinot noir.
I could blame the sudden drop in temperature.
In Sydney it went from 27 degrees to 4 within days.
It was kind of funny as people were very dramatic. OMG! Its sooooooo cold.
Weather was the main topic of conversation.
“I remember when this happened in NZ in the late 60’s”, said one Guy at work,
“I was outside in a t-shirt and the very next day, home with a week off school because it was snowing!”
Its not ‘Ice Age’ in Sydney yet. But Ugg boots, PJs and puffer jackets are quite ok to wear to the servo when you forget bread, milk, cat food, chocolate etc.
The sudden change in season seems to have made me want to hibernate like a Bear, or the mountain Pygmy Possum, Australia’s only hibernating Animal. See, learn something new everyday!?
Its also though because I went out on Saturday night. And Sunday night.
My cousin Ren was in town and it was my Brother-in-laws Birthday.
And this girl I know is so much fun! She loves going out, talking a lot, meeting new people.
She request’s awesome songs from DJs. She LOVES dancing, on dance floors, on tables or kitchen benches.
She will get your drinks, tell funny stories so you laugh a lot, walk you to a cab, and make sure you have the BEST NIGHT! She’s even happy to go out alone. Really. Loves it!
The only problem is….she has no ‘stop’ button and is usually the L.M.S. Last Man Standing
Then, I have this other great friend who is the total opposite. Loves her warm water with lemon every morning, excersises, drinks green juices, eats salads and meditates before her bedtime, which is quite early.
I committed to go to a two hour meditation with her on Sunday morning AFTER my night out with L.M.S. (last woman standing.) Fortunately, I said no to the kind offer of going to the Casino at 3.30am and was in bed by 4, BUT all the way to meditation I felt so disrespectful that I would be arriving late (15 mins!),
and that the beautiful pure souls around me would smell the ‘Spirits’ seeping from my pores.
I almost turned around to go home. I reasoned that GOD wouldn’t care if I was late, smelly, or full of regret.
God, or whoever you may call her, him, source, The Force!, I thought, would be happy that I showed up.
Now I actually think, ‘The Force’ wouldn’t care either way. The Force is with me!
I can’t tell you how much I Loved this meditation class. It was a guided meditation and it felt like it was written for me. Antionette Sampson, a Lovely Lady I met through my brother, Hugh, ran it. Amazing!
Tears ran down my cheeks as I felt ‘The Force’ of love pulse through my being.
For me, the way of describing this feeling of love energy is, connection. I felt as though I was connected to the Earth, the Heavens, the Animals, every leaf on every single tree, every God and Goddess, every drop of water in the ocean, every person Ive ever known, or not, everyone.
I felt that everything IS PERFECT and I am completely safe. I felt forgiven. By myself.
I forgave myself.
I floated through the day until I met up with Party Girl again.
She actually needed a lot of coaxing to go out, but eventually her friends wore her down and she was getting ready, wine in hand.
So my two friends have a couple of things in common.
Persistance. (seriously I can’t believe Party Girl’ is still coming out!)
These two ‘friends’ are actually ME.
I have two, probably more, but two dominant, yet different, sides of my personality that don’t really ‘compliment’ each other.
Remember in cartoons when there would be the little devil and the little Angel on either shoulder?
Little Devil, “lets go to lunch?”
Little Angel, “Its Tuesday, so No.”
LD, “Well I have to eat”
LA, “Go home and make a salad.”
LD, “Your cousins here, take him somewhere nice in Bondi”
LA, “Parent/teacher interviews are on this afternoon.”
LD, “OMG! Thanks for reminding me! Now Im definitely going to lunch!”
The ‘Green Juice Girl’ is organised, has clarity.
Adores her own company, loves nature, is creative and capable.
She is patient, compassionate and even tempered.
The Party Girl’ is organising people, places and maxicabs.
Is creative…on what crazy dress ups we can wear and what choreography will be good for which song.
She loves singing. Lionel ‘All Night Long,’ could be a theme song.
She can get into any venue and is capable of having a great time. Everytime.
She appears fearless. But she’s afraid. Afraid of when the party ends and she’s alone with herself.
The Party Girl loves the Green Juice Girl….she helps her feel vital and grounded and gives her energy to go out dancing BUT, Green Girl is not so keen on Party G. She takes away her discipline.
She has no respect for the ‘rules’ Green Girl has put in place. Green Girl ends up feeling like crap. Is full of self loathing.
So, Green Girl gets back into her routine and, pretty much, tells party girl to F OFF!
Fortunately, Party Girl is usually so tired and ‘danced out’ she is quite happy to go.
Until, she rests up, and is restless.
Just one drink, she promises Green Girl. ‘I’ll drive, so I HAVE to be good”
Next morning she is catching an Uber to get her car.
Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, described a part of our personality as ‘the shadow side’. This could be what I’m talking about, although, he describes it as ‘the unconscious part of the ego of personality’.
(I am def conscious of mine! Just not always able to control her!!)
Dr. Jung describes it as the ‘repressed or denied part of the self’.
89 year old American Poet, Robert Bly, wrote ‘A little Book On The Human Shadow’ where he says as Babies we expressed all aspects of our nature, without editing or censoring. I agree.
Then as we grow, we are, for example, ‘told off’ for crying, or being angry, or showing off, or wanting attention etc.
I remember as a 4 yr old playing next door at the neighbours house. I was staring into a mirror, maybe just daydreaming but probably admiring how beautiful I was, when Coral, our neighbour, told me off.
‘Stop looking at yourself. You’re so vain. Vanity is a sin.’ she snapped.
I had no idea what ‘vain’ was but I knew I felt embarrassed and ashamed and it did not feel good.
So, according to Jung and Bly, its these ‘hurts’, or repressed emotions etc which make up our shadow side.
Its not bad, unless you judge it as bad as its not working for you.
In fact there can be ‘hidden gifts’ in there as well.
You may not even have a shadow side, but if you do, its probably something you judge other people for.
I know Green Juice Girl gets on her soap box about other people smoking or drinking excessively when she is not. Sorry.
On the other hand, it can also be traits you admire in other people. Who are your idols? The people you look up to? These can be parts (creative or confident) that you have also repressed because of a false sense of modesty. Or feeling not worthy enough to be your truly MAGNIFICENT self……Party Planner? Disco Dancer?
It could be eating, drinking, smoking, temper tantrums, overspending, unhealthy relationships, over working. Whatever.
SO, WHAT TO DO?????
Honestly, I don’t know!
I just keep on keeping on.
Consistency is key, so I make sure I drag my butt to the park or beach to meditate, walk, jog to music, appreciate nature (the black cockatoos were in the forest today!!), and clear my head. I decide to start again. And again. And again.
Everyday IS a new day!!
I will send my ‘Party Girl’, shadow side, LOVE, so much LOVE!
(Im so hard on her!)
And I’ll try and figure out what she REALLY wants?
Is she bored? Is she the teenager inside me refusing to grow up? Is she lonely?
Is she a frustrated Disco Dancer?
Is she secretly testing Green Juice Girl to see how strong and disciplined she actually is?
Is she just making life challenging and interesting?
Maybe its the part of me that want to play. Forget all my responsibilities for a while.
There must be a way of doing this without the hangover and lack of sleep.
I’ll take my shadow self on a playdate.
Retrosweat (80’s aerobics classes in Sydney…you HAVE to go!)
She likes the Art Gallery. Hiking? Painting. And dancing!! In the lounge room.
“A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step” Lao Tzu
I’ll step into my trainers instead of my heels.
And in the words of Deepak Chopra, ‘meditate, meditate, meditate.’
Thank you so much for reading this far!
If you would like info on mediation, there are awesome places everywhere!
I go to www.frankboffa.com
Check out Retrosweat on Face Book or @retrosweat on instagram
Have an awesome week!!! I LOVE YOU!