Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time there was a Mum.

She had two beautiful daughters who went to high school and spent a lot of time talking and down loading on their mobile phones.They also liked going out to play netball, to parties and sometimes indoor trampoline places. So, to pay school fees, mobile phone bills, general bills, rent, tax, food (and wine) the Mum went to
work.

Work was great.
The Mum got to record voice-overs for ads on TV and radio. And even be on some commercials.
She did one for EBay and wore a glamorous green face mask. ( and she had a flat tyre on the way).

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But, sometimes, work wasn’t as regular as she hoped. Her gas bill came and because they had not read the meter for a while, and had been estimating, it was almost $1000.00.
Other bills were piling up so the Mum decided to take action.

She began cleaning her friends house which was fun because they did it together and talked about guys and eyebrow shaping and what they would do with all the money they may win anytime soon on Lotto.

Then she drove friends around like an Uber driver but called it Zoober. They gave her the cash they would spend on a taxi anyway. (One Saturday night, she even let them have a cigarette in the car! ooooh)
She scored 5 stars!

The next brilliant idea the Mum had to make some dosh was babysit dogs!
” I love dogs, I love walking in the park, it will be fun” she thought.
Her friend recommended her to a friend and before you could say, “Can I have a doggy bag?” at her fave restaurant, she had not one, but two people after her new Pooch Plaza (buffet breakfast included.)

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The first dog to stay was a 4 month old chocolate labrador puppy. He was so gorgeous and everyone loved him. The only problem was, because he was a baby, he pooped and peed all over the mum’s house.
She didn’t mind though as when she walked him, she met loads of lovely people…even one very handsome man who also loved dogs. The silly mum went red and blushed and didn’t get his name. Or number.
The puppy stayed a week, and the cash the mum earned she used to pay her parking fines.

The next doggie coming to stay was a 4 year old Golden Retriever. He weighed about 40 kilos. Yes. HUGE! And he wasn’t desexed. The first day they went walking the dog pulled so hard on the leash that she thought she may need an early hip replacement.
She secretly called him Cujo, (Cujo is a 1981 psychological horror novel by Stephen King about a rabid dog.) It wasn’t that she didn’t love the golden retriever, it was just the mum’s sense of humour. He humped her pillow then tore it apart and spread the stuffing through her garden!

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Anyway, with all the picking up poo, putting the bins in and out, doing the washing, cleaning the toilet etc she was really busy. Not feeling sorry for herself though, on the contrary, she was thankful that she had created some work and was manifesting some cash (tax free!)

Then one still Autumn night her phone rang and a very handsome young man asked her if she would like to to a ball.

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“Hi, its your brother, do you want to be my plus 1 at the Logies?’ he asked, adding, ‘Its TV’s night of nights!’

The mum remembered all the great nights she had had at the Logies in previous years.

The first time the mum went was when she worked on a show called The Catch Up.
It was a live, one hour talk show on weekdays. She loved it and was blessed to work with beautiful producers, crew, and the amazing Mia Freedman. When the Logies came around, The mum and her three cohosts were all invited. She can’t remember what she wore, or arriving, or much about the show.
Only the after party.

Now, back in 2007, her brother Hugh was studying and living in Melbourne so she snuck him into the party.
Rove won gold that year. They had a huge TV Week magazine cover that you could pose for photos in front of, so, the siblings ‘stole’ Roves Gold Logie and posed with it on the giant cover.
( I would LOVE to see those photos now.)
They chatted to Rove’s mum for a long time, who was an absolute angel, and totally got why he says, ‘say hi to your Mum for me’. BTW, he is also lovely.
Next thing she remembers is her brother waking her up in her hotel room. F A R $&@?
The mum raced down to the lobby but everyone had gone. She had missed her flight and was sure she would not make it back for the live show on time and be fired.
Luckily she wasn’t. The mum made it back to Channel 9 Sydney, about 20 mins before the show went to air. Just in the nick of time.
Eye drops and apologies.

Just 2 years later her brother is nominated for most popular new male talent for Packed To The Rafters.
The mum and her sisters watched from her lounge room.
He won!! They were over the moon with pride and joy.
The following 3 year’s in a row Hugh, her brother, was nominated again for most popular actor and each year the mum (his sister) was invited along for the fun. He won again and they literally jumped for joy on the hotel room beds! Four Logies in row!

Each year had been a wonderful experience. When you win you have to get up early and do media interviews for tv and radio so you can’t, well shouldn’t, enjoy yourself too much.
The mum had no pressure to get up and loves a party.

She remembers one year finding herself at a night club sitting between Brian Mannix and Kerry Anne!

(KAK was missed this year. Understandably she chose not to come, and we send her, and her husband, John loads of love.)
So, the mums Cinderella moment had come around again…she was so thankful to be invited and there was no step-mother to stop her going. But, did she have enough frequent flyer points?

She did have a massive zit on her chin and was feeling blah!

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Just like in a fairytale, her fabulous Fairy Godmothers came to the rescue!
Melanie Flintoff from Australian Fashion Labels sent her the stunning red ‘two sides’ dress from Cameo Collective. Her friends from Mode Collective sent red strappy shoes and Montana Brown from Cue Colour coloured and cut The Mums hair.
Anna Gray gave her the perfect spray tan so she didn’t look like an oompa loompa.
Then her Dad drove her to the airport and she was ready for F U N!!

………..Random personal observation…..

Can you remember when you could smoke cigarettes on planes? ON PLANES!
(yes, capitals means I’m shouting)

I remember smoking on a flight from Adelaide to Sydney, with a glass of champagne, feeling very sophisticated and glamorous when I was about 20 yrs old. Flying was more expensive then. It was a treat.

I can’t imagine how non-smokers coped. I know there’s aircon on flights but if a baby soils their nappy or someone “has gas” I can smell it a mile away! And it feels like back then nearly everyone smoked….puffing away in those small cabins. I apologise to everyone that breathed in my second hand smoke on any flight ever. Sincerely.
Now when I fly I always have wine with cheese and crackers. Two bottles and two packs.
The bottles are only 187 ml. The reason Kooks say ‘the positively generous wine co.’ on the bottle isn’t because they have 12.7% alcohol but because you feel more tipsy more quickly when you fly.
You can fly when you fly! On the cheaper airlines they have the $10 combo deal. I’m all class.
And now there are even smoke detectors in the lavatories. Do they have them on private jets?

Back to the story.
The mum had so much fun getting ready. Face masks, nail polish and champagne were all on the menu as well as a half hour meditation. Cover the zit one more time and another coat of red lippy and good to go!

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The red carpet buzzed and she ran into old friends and made new ones.

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Julia Morris was even funnier than the year before and Noni Hazlehurst’s speech had people in tears, especially mums. The part where she said she would look at pics of her sons and think about how she should spend more time with them, is how she would make herself cry on set. We all feel that guilt.
A lot of people in the dinner miss the show. You can only leave or enter the dining room during ad breaks and people catch up in the foyer or ‘smoking balcony’.

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The after party was exceptional. Everyone was in a wonderful mood.
The energy was high and the dance floor was full. There were generous smiles and conversations. Introductions and inclusions. Sequins and bowties. Hugs and kisses. Dance moves and grooves. Big ones!
It was grand and the bar stayed open until after 4.

Just like Las Vegas though, what happens at The Logies, stays at The Logies.
I could say I don’t remember much or that nothing scandalous happens. So I will. I can’t remember much at all….and nothing happens. Its in the Vault. No, really theres nothing scandalous. Everyone is perfectly behaved. Doth The Mum protest too much?

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The mum, in the lyrics of Soul 2 Soul, is now ‘back to life, back to reality’.
The person in the supermarket checkout queue behind her was grumpy. Her cars front left indicator light is out.
In fact, a few outside lights’ globes have all blown at once. Maybe its symbolic she thinks, scratching her head (and wondering if she could have fleas or head lice?) The bright lights and camera flashes are gone, but just like Cinderella, she will always have the beautiful memories! The mum feels very blessed.
She opens Facebook and notices an invite to another great party in two weeks, and as the puts the rubbish bins out wonders if she can wear the same dress!

Special thanks to Lisa Wilkinson, Fatty Vuatin, and Grant Denyer who are the loveliest, down to earth and generous people and all made the mum’s Logies experience even more special!

Note from the author.
I am still recovering from my weekend in Melbourne so thank goodness The Voice is back on TV!
I love The Voice blind auditions. They move me to tears, literally.
If you haven’t been watching you may have seen the promos? There is Adam Ladelle, the 16 year old boy with Tourettes syndrome. Not to sound too cheesy, but, he had me at ‘Hello.’ When he speaks he sounds a bit like Harry Potter. When he sings he is totally in the moment and he pulls you into it with him.
Then there is the 39 yr old criminal lawyer, Emad Unin (so sorry if thats not the correct spelling) whose voice gives me goosebumps.
From Fiji, Ilisavani Cava ,with a creamy soulful voice that makes me want to sing along and dance! I would buy his records now.
Its my, not so secret, indulgence and makes the cooler nights during winter an absolute pleasure.
Heater, ugg boots, hot chips with salt and vinegar, a glass of red, and The Voice.
Have a wonderful, wonderful week and thank you for reading!

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Zoe Sheridan grew up the eldest of 7 children in Adelaide , South Australia. Her ambitions were to be a Doctor, DJ or ride the white horse, Nipper, in the Christmas Pageant. Zoe is a DJ and has worked in media most of her life, including radio, TV presenting, and as voice over artist. Now she secretly wants to be a singer. Zoe has two teenage daughters who live with her in Sydney. Manon is 16 and Velvet is 13. So she often finds herself saying, 'I'll think about it." Or, 'Why do I pay for your mobile phone when you never answer it?" Zoe loves life. She is a glass half full girl. Its only April, and already this year she has been to Mexico, Cuba, New York, Miami, L.A., Saint Barths and Abu Dhabi twice. This is her first time writing a column and she hopes it will last!

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