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Applegeddon

 

Pinterest needs to come with warning labels. Something along the lines of "If you are a damn idiot in the kitchen DO NOT TRY THIS. Don't be fooled. It may look easy, but it's no-ot!"

And levels. You should have to "level up" to be able to see certain things on there. Like, Oh, man! I really want to try to make those gluten free, dairy free air drops! They look sooooo cute! Then Pinterest comes down on you, like, 'sorry, you need 10,000 more Pinterest points to attempt this recipe.'

Or even better, Do Not Let People On. People should have to apply for this website. They should have to upload a craft-proven resume and provide three letters of recommendation before they are allowed to see the ridiculously complicated, unapologetic, LYING pictures on there.

This is what I need.

You see, I...am Pinterest's bitch.

I'm that guy.

It started so slowly, gradually. I never even saw this coming.

First, I got an account. Meh, I thought. Whatever.

Then I saw some recipes. I pinned them. Wheee! This is fun.

Then, I thought, well, what the hey! I should try these totally-easy-will-make-you-into-Martha-Stewart-in-a-mere-half-hour crafts!

Foolish. Effing foolish.

And they trick you. They trick you!

The first time, I made caterpillar grape skewers. And I was a pro. I was like, queen of the castle, lemme tell you.

Because Pinterest has crafts on there that range from "stick a bunch of grapes on a stick, slop some icing and chocolate chips on for eyes and you've got a snack," (my level of competence), all the way to "holy mother, I am BURNING MY HOUSE DOWN, WTF HAPPENED?!"

And, people, they look THE SAME. You literally cannot tell the difference.

Here are the caterpillars:

Applegeddon - Caterpillars

Sweet, right? I have totally got this Pinterest thing under control.

No. False.

Let me share with you my evening, last night. It starts innocently enough. I see this recipe for apple chips. Nowhere on this recipe does it say: YOU WILL FAIL AT THIS. DO NOT ATTEMPT.

In fact, it says:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
Boil apples until translucent.
Bake for 20 minutes at 350.

I think, WINNER! Easy! Yes! Mother of the year!

This is what the chips on Pinterest look like:

Applegeddon - Apple Chips

Now, before I show you my chips, I'd like to invite you into my life for a moment.

First, I spent an hour and a half slicing an entire bag of apples by hand. Why? Because I suck in the kitchen, so I don't have these new-fangled things like "mandolins" or "food processors." No. I have a knife. On the upside, I only cut myself twice.

Then, I followed the directions, but right away, things got shady. "Boil slices until translucent (about 10 minutes) it said.

Thirty-five minutes later, those slices were still opaque. I finally decided to bake them anyway, because what the hell? I had four batches of these to make, and it was edging on 10 p.m.

Pro tip: A microwave oven shelf is not the same thing as a "crosswire rack."

I cooked them, and took them out, my proud little apple chips. I burned my hands three times, and laid them on the tin foil. Let me give you some excerpts from my FB at the time for the full effect.

Status 1: Pinterest needs a new slogan: PINTEREST: FOOLED YOU! NOW SUFFER.

One of my friends aptly commented: "Pinterest. You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo."

She is right.

Status 2: Guys, this is awful. I haven't been this far gone since Christmas DUCK 2011. I have accidentally made candy. And not good candy. Shitty, will break your teeth, this will impress no one, candy.

Here is the Plate of Fail and Shame (otherwise known as batch 1): Caution: Looking at these may break half your teeth, put cavities in the other half, and put you at risk for diabetes. This is dangerous stuff.

Applegeddon - Apple Chips 2

Now, you're thinking, Wow! Those look NOTHING like they did on Pinterest. You are correct. Here are some of the FB comments, for your enjoyment.

Alex: wtf was this recipe. I've never seen such shiny apple chips before. You said there was...boiling involved? I've made apple chips many a time, and I've never seen anything like this

Me: I think I've made apple fossils. Like, years from now, a new species is going to be digging in Gainesville FL, and they're going to find these apples, and be like...WTF KIND OF PEOPLE WERE THESE?

Meghan: they kind of look like shiny bacon vaginas

Me: I never knew about these things! I thought apple chips came out of a bag made with magic until pinterest RUINED MY LIFE.

...

I continued onto Batch two. These ended up a slimy, smushy ball of mess. I tried batch three.

Applegeddon - Apple Chips 3

Now, by that point (ninety minutes later, just so you know), my friends gathered in a bit of a support group and told me how to actually make apple chips.

SPOILER: (cut apples, bake at 200 for two hours...are you kidding me with this? Damn you, Pinterest.)

I tried for batch three with half the sugar and the correct times by minutes, not by this magical and make-believe translucency factor.

Applegeddon - Apple Chips 4

A little better right? Now, prepare for the shock of your life.

Unlike the recipe said, these DID NOT dry out in a minute. In fact, they never did at all. So...I put them back in the oven at 200 for as long as I could stomach. Then I left them out 'to dry' all night.

The next morning, I drove out to the Publix and picked up a couple of bags of apple chips. The moral of the story being that if you aren't prepared, homemade solutions can cost you time, money and stress you don't need. Research first, seriously.

Pinterest: Ruining Lives since 2011.

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