20 Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Capture What Marriage Is Like
Marriage (and relationships in general) are a lesson in love, frustration, annoyance, passion and tolerance. One can’t load the dishwasher properly while the other always brings home the wrong thing from the supermarket. Wait, that’s the same person, right?
These tweets perfectly capture what marriage is like – the humour, the spite, all of it!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
For Valentine’s Day my husband cleaned out the fridge and I literally could not be happier, if you’re wondering what marriage is like.
— Ange Cavanagh (@ange_spange) February 14, 2016
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) May 26, 2012
You maintain a silent competition to see who the dog loves more. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Judge You Harshly™ (@JudgeYouHarshly) July 30, 2015
Xmas shopping for my beautiful wife…
What’s the perfect gift for a woman who would never date me if she had met me now? Hmmm
— John McClane (@BWH_USMC) December 22, 2016
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
— eric (@ericsshadow) May 23, 2016
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
*ignores husband for the entirety of our dinner date so I can write him the perfect happy birthday post on FB*
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2016
It’s Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.
We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2016
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
— Charles Demers (@charliedemers) January 16, 2016
Marriage is like coffee. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 10, 2016
I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that.
— Jason Peringer (@JasonPeringer) December 3, 2016
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) November 4, 2016
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Wife: Did you give them a bath TODAY?
Damn. She knows about that loophole.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2016
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?
Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I’ll do it.
Husbanding level: Expert.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2016
Marriage — that blissful union of two people who promise to love each other until the end of time, or the end of the toilet paper roll that someone didn’t replace!